


I couldn't see through the dark

by CaptainLokii



Category: Casualty (TV)
Genre: Angst, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Suicide Attempt, Suicide Notes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-25
Updated: 2019-02-25
Packaged: 2019-11-05 06:50:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,544
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17913890
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CaptainLokii/pseuds/CaptainLokii
Summary: Ruby finds Ian after his attempted suicide and finds the notes he left behind.





	I couldn't see through the dark

**Author's Note:**

> So THAT ending really fucking got to me. It kept me up most of the night and brought up a lot of old memories. Thanks to the wonderful Basenewman on tumblr who lets me share my headcanons with them I wrote this little fic. I hope you like it.
> 
> Comments are always appreciated. 
> 
> If you are feeling suicidal or need someone to talk to then please reach out for help. Here are a list of hotlines you can contact from around the world: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_suicide_crisis_lines Please know that even if you feel like nobody cares that I do. Even if we've never interacted ever in our lives I care about you and your life is far far to precious to end just like that.

She'd found him laying on the sofa with the empty pill pots next to him on the coffee table. She knew something wasn't right when he hadn't come in to work that morning but she hadn't expected this. Never this. 

She'd tried to resuscitate him whilst the phone rang and the ambulance operator picked up. 

“Holby Ambulance service is the patient breathing” 

“No. This is Ruby Spark I'm a paramedic and I just found my friend unconscious and not breathing in his home. I believe he's taken an overdose of prescription medication.” Why would he do this? 

“Help is on it's way Ruby. Keep up the CPR until the crew arrives” like she'd stop. 

She kept at it for 11 minutes till she heard the sirens and Sid and Arthur walked in through the door. Both of them had been on the job longer than she and Ian combined so didn't bat an eyelid at seeing their co worker in such a position. It didn't even take to register that she should go with them till they were already gone. She couldn't even remember stopping CPR and handing over to Sid. 

It was then that she noticed the paper scrunched up all over the floor and the note book layed neatly on the table. Shit. 

She opened the book and wasn't surprised to find the first letter was addressed to Gem. It contained a lot of apologies for small things that would hold no consequence to Gem but clearly meant a lot to Ian. Like he'd wronged her in some way or let her down. Not taking in all the times he'd saved or helped her. In the short while she'd known Gem she'd heard countless tales of all the good things Ian had done for her over the years and how he'd helped her turn her life around. It seemed to be a pattern for him. 

There were notes for Jan and herself too. Apologising for making them even busier no they were a paramedic short and saying he understood they would be angry and disappointed in him. She wanted to tear the paper to pieces. How could he think that? He was family. He was like an older brother she'd never had. He was the only person who'd ever told her they were proud of her. She could never be disappointed in him and she didn't believe Jan could be either. 

Each letter seemed to get more and more of a jumble of emotions and trains of thought that didn't lead anywhere till they flicked over to another subject. 

The next letter was what got her though. It was addressed to Base. The final page was dashed with smudged ink from what she could only guess were tears. 

_To Base_

_I failed you so many times. First with Mia then with your addiction then when you needed me most. I couldn't save you. I wasn't good enough and I never was._

_From the day I met you all those months ago I knew there was something special about you. Sure I thought you were a pain in the ass druggie but you were special to. You were different from the others in that you genuinely cared about everyone around you. Even when you screwed up you'd admit your mistakes and try and correct them._

_After I failed Mia and killed her I thought that was it I'd pushed you over the edge with her and you'd never come back but you did. It took a while but you did it and I thought that was the last I'd see of you. You didn't need me any more but you didn't leave. It took me a while to realise it wasn't you that needed me at all but it was me that needed you._

_You saw in me what you saw in Mia all those times. You saw that I was struggling and was to pig headed to do anything about it. I don't know how to talk about feelings or any of that crap. I was raised that men keep it bottled up inside and drink and fight to keep the demons at bay but it doesn't work. I tried that to many times but it doesn't work._

_That day with the fire? I wanted to die for the first time that day. I was going to stay in that building at let it burn down around me but I didn't because I thought of you and how you'd react. It's stupid isn't it? But I guess if it works it works._

_After that every little thing became a chore. The only times I felt peaceful were when you were round mine moaning at me for the state of my flat. Even a homeless drug addict thought I was a slob, how about that? I think it was around then that I realised I loved you and it fucking terrified me. I'd never thought about a bloke like that before and it felt wrong to think about but when you were there it felt natural. When you lived with me for a while I don't think I thought about topping my self once because you were always there to take my mind of it and now I realise you were doing it on purpose. You knew. This whole time you knew._

_I was going to tell you you know? That night outside the pub. I was going to tell you I loved you but I bottled it because I'm a coward. I bottled it and took it out on you. That was the last time I saw you alive and it's my fucking fault you died._

_If I'd been there and supported you like you had been with me then you'd never have let that arsehole into the flat that night. You'd never have let him inject you with that poison and I'd never have found you laying dead on the sofa with a needle in your arm._

_I tried Base I promise. I tried so fucking hard to save you but you wouldn't come back to me. You're with Mia now and perhaps that's for the best. Better to be dead with her and alive and having to deal with what a fuck up I am. I'd've only ended up ruining your life in the long run._

_After I lost you I just didn't know what to do. I tried going to therapy but it just felt wrong. Talking about me just feels wrong. Asking for help feels impossible._

_I can't keep doing this. Following the same routine every day over and over and coming home and wanting to fucking drag a razor blade through my wrist every time I shave in the morning because that is what life has become. This past week I haven't been able to shave because I couldn't think of anything else when I picked up that blade._

_I can't do it any more Base. I tried. I really fucking tried but I can't. Not a single fucking second goes by where my head and heart don't just fucking HURT. I realise now that you were the only thing keeping me here. You were the first time I'd felt happiness in a long long time and now that I know what it is the first time I'd truly been in love._

_It's not like anyone will miss me when I'm gone either. People come and go at holby all the time and they get forgotten soon enough. It's not like I was never good enough or liked enough to be remembered. It's better in the long run for everyone. I just piss people off and get in the way._

_I've made it easier for everyone else. I've packed up all my things so Gem doesn't have to and everything is labelled for donation or binning. I took her key away so she doesn't have to be the one to find me. Knowing her it will be Ruby that notices something's up first. I hope she can forgive me._

_I know that if there is anything else after this bullshit life that we won't meet again. You will be living in happiness with Mia like you deserved and I will be rotting in the pit I belong in and I don't mind. Just knowing you are happy and at peace now is good enough for me._

_I love you Base Newman. I love you so much and I miss you every second of every day._

_Maybe in another life things would have turned out differently._

_Ian x_

__

Her own tears mixed with Ian's has she put the paper back down on the counter. How hadn't she noticed? How hadn't anyone noticed? 

She needed to get to the hospital. She needed to find Jan and find out if Ian was going to be alright. 

What about Gem? Was she working tonight? Was she at home? What was she going to tell her? She picked her phone up off the coffee table and dialled Jan's number. 

“Ruby? Are you alright Love? I'm at the hospital with Ian. What happened?”

“I think... I think he tried to kill himself. He left a note.... I don't know what to do...I....”


End file.
